What It’s Like To Be Me.
(Alternate Titles: “Why I Nearly Fell
Asleep at 10pm on New Year’s Eve” or “Aren’t You Glad I Have a Filter and Don’t Say
Everything I think Out Loud? Yes! You Are!”)
This is what New Year's Eve was like for me.
(Wake up at unknown
hour in the morning)
BODY: Toss. Turn. Bathroom. You need to go to the bathroom.
Toss. Turn. Seriously. You need to go now. Go.
BRAIN: Ugh, why did you have soda last night? That was dumb.
You know what? It feels like it could be about 6, so we should just get up and
get an early start on the day. Pretend to be a morning person or something!
Let’s go!
(Go to bathroom. Check
clock. 3:00am…)
BODY: It’s 3:00am. We are going back to sleep. Fall asleep.
Fall asleep. FALL ASLEEP!
BRAIN: Hi! HELLO! I AM AWAKE! LETS TALK! WHAT DO YOU WANT TO
TALK ABOUT? LET'S TALK ABOUT OUR DREAM! THAT WAS WEIRD HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYONE
NAMED JIM? YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? YOU SHOULD CHECK TWITTER! I BET OTHER PEOPLE ARE
AWAKE ON TWITTER! YAY! I’M AWAKE!
BODY: please go to sleep. pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease.
Three hours later…
BRAIN: AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE YOU SHOULD LOOK UP? THAT GUY
WHO WAS THE ANGRY DOCTOR FROM ER WHO WAS IN THE XFILES LAST NIGHT AND GOT HIS
HEAD CHOPPED OFF! I WONDER WHAT HE IS DOING NOW? Also, I’m kind of tired, can
we go back to sleep?
BODY: It’s 7:00 am. YOU HAVE TO GO TO WORK YOU IDIOT.
BRAIN: Seriously, I’m wiped. And it’s New Year’s Eve. How
are you going to stay awa….COFFEE! LETS GET COFFEE. ALL THE COFFEE. COFFEE!
COFFEE! COFFEE! LET’S GO SOMEWHERE NICE BECAUSE YOU ARE SO TIRED AND DESERVE A
NICE COFFEE! COFFEE!
BODY: Yup. Fine. Lets go.
(Later that day at work)
BODY: Hey there, Twitchy
McTwitcherson, how ya feeling?
BRAIN: Why did you let me drink
all that coffee? I think I’m going to hurl. Oh, look kittens!
BODY: Why did I? Eye Twitch.
Stomach Churns. Seriously. Your New Year's resolution should be to develop some SELF CONTROL. And FOCUS.
(Get let off early because apparently New Years Eve is some sort of
fake holiday. Go grocery shopping. Don’t hurl or punch anyone in the face.
Success!)
BRAIN: HEY! You know what? We just
got the afternoon off. Instead of watching more X Files and becoming more
paranoid, we should HAVE A NAP! Then we’ll be all rested for tonight! Isn’t
that the best idea ever?
BODY: WHAT? You’re kidding right?
We had three cups of coffee and approximately 17 After Eight mints (thanks
Mom!). There is no WAY I will fall asleep.
BRAIN: Oh, come on. That’s like
the only thing you’re good at! Naps! It’s our specialty. Let’s have one!
BODY: Muffled scream.
(3 hours later, I awake with a start to discover there is no way I will
be on time for my evening plans.)
BODY: Shit!
Shitshitshitshitshitshit.
BRAIN: It’s okay! Now you’re
rested. And it’s just drinks. And, seriously, you’re always late for
everything. People expect you to be late. It’s the only thing you’re good
at other than napping. YOU KNOW WHAT? We have to stay up late. Let’s have a
shower so we feel better and then GO GET SOME COFFEE! Do you think there is
anywhere still open for coffee? I LOVE THE COFFEE! WAIT YOU HAVE COFFEE HERE!
LETS MAKE COFFEE! YOU ARE BRILLIANT!
BODY: Oh for fucks sake.
(10:00pm)
BOTH: We’re tired! Let’s
Sleep! Screw New Year’s Eve!
